leshovik: (face)
[personal profile] leshovik
I know I've been avoiding him.

Aryol, that is. I have to talk to him, about...well, about a lot of things. Him and me. How things have changed. What they'll be like in the future. About Kasya, if I want to be a real masochist about it.

But the weight of those nascent conversations drag at my conscience like guilt. I should talk to him, but I don't want to.

I'm not a coward, but I guess I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what he wants to do to me. I'm afraid of what I'll let him do, in the name of guilt. I know I've treated him like shit for a long time, used him in place of Kasya, who was infinitely more intractable and incendiary. I had Aryol, because I couldn't have Kasya, and now it's like history has repeated itself.

What is it they say? Like father, like son?

Okay, that's fucking creepy. And I still don't believe it.

But as long as the two of them believe it...Christ. What am I supposed to do?

I need to tell Aryol that I need space. That I can't be with him right now. That I don't want to eat with him, work out with him, train at the range or sleep in the same bed with him.

I don't fucking want to take showers with him.

But it's easier not to say anything. It's easier to avoid my quarters in the guest wing and stay in Lynx's quarters, in that freakishly large bed. It's easier not to go to the firing range, where Aryol will probably go to get in some shooting time with Kasya.

It's easier to just be with Lynx. Seems like he has a lot on his mind, too, which actually makes me feel better - no one's perfect. We're all just trying to figure this out.

Funny thing is, in spite of all this, I think I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Yeah, I have a lot on my mind, but overall, things aren't bad.

And some things, like Lynx, are damn good.

I don't know how that works.

Yeah...I suppose I should talk to Aryol sometime soon.

...but maybe it can wait another day.

November 2009

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