leshovik: (face)
[personal profile] leshovik
I'm not worrying about him as I lie here in the semidark, looking up at the bivouac’s canvas ceiling.

Aryol’s already asleep, curled against me. Arm flung around my stomach, head tucked against my chest. One leg twined over mine.

His breathing is slow, and steady.

He always sleeps like that. Deep. Peaceful.

No restless nights for my sunny little spotter. No bad dreams rattling around like frenzied bats battering themselves bloody against the inside of his skull. No nightmares.

I wonder how he does it.

He’s killed before, more than once – hell, more than a dozen times – but it just rolls off him like blood down a gutter.

He was mad at me, earlier. When I pushed back the tent flap, he was sprawled indolently on the hammock. Didn’t look up from his book. Damn, if that didn’t bring back some memories. Kasya would do the same thing, pretend to ignore me, half-refuse to acknowledge my presence, mutter at the pages instead of meeting my eyes.

Aryol wanted to know when Lynx was coming back.

I didn’t have any answers for him. He brushed me off after that.

I stripped down to tank and shorts and climbed into our bed, which is big enough for three, but kind of lonely for one.

I was wondering the same thing about Lynx, actually. Still am.

Not that I'm worrying.

Lynx took off pretty much immediately and with not a whole lot of explanation after Lemsky broke up our little debauched three-way. Seemed like Lynx had a lot on his mind. Maybe he was worried about Kasya and Niotkuda ratting us out. I don’t know. He doesn’t tell me everything.

Not like he’s obligated.

All I had were questions, and no answers. After a while, I fell asleep, and after another while, I woke up when Aryol climbed under the covers with me.

He was naked, and I could feel his erection pressing against my thigh.

I guessed that meant he wasn’t mad at me anymore.

I thought about what Lynx had said to me when we were...engaged, earlier, about how I should give myself to Aryol. Let Aryol have me. Let him fuck me.

For some reason, it felt…different, the idea of doing that when Aryol and I were alone. It had been easy, earlier, with the three of us, when I had both of them inside me at once.

God fucking dammit, part of me still feels like I shouldn’t have enjoyed that as much as I did.

But regardless, I didn’t think I could do it. Never mind that my ass was already sore. I just didn’t think I could let Aryol have me like that and not remember Kasya, not think of that last night we were together when Kasya held me down and kissed the back of my neck, fucked me ruthlessly and made me howl.

Kasya carved out a piece of my soul that night, and I want it back, but that’s neither here nor there. Aryol’s not Kasya, in spite of his looks, but at the same time…

…I don’t think he understands.

I don’t think he can understand. Getting fucked is not a big deal for him. He’s been doing it ever since he was a kid, before he met me.

It’s more to me, and it shouldn’t be. That’s just a weakness. But at the same time, I can’t change it.

Lynx understands. I can see it in his eyes. He knows.

He knows I don’t give it up for just anyone. He knows what it does to me, to be taken like that.

But it didn’t feel right to just fuck Aryol instead, and I wasn’t ready to let him fuck me, not without Lynx there.

So I gave Aryol a quiet handjob under the covers, stroked him off slowly while I kissed him. Made it good for him, took my time about it, made it last a while.

He came, hot and wet, in my hand.

Afterward, he was shaking a little, and I held him, and murmured quiet things in his ear.

He fell asleep almost immediately, without returning the favor, but that was all right. Seems like he needed it, to know that everything was okay, I guess.

It is okay, I think. Or will be, once Lynx comes back.

I’ve known Lynx for months, but only been fucking him for a day, but still…

There’s something there.

…he'd better be all right.

November 2009

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